These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Fwd: 2009 Contract...
After serious and cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009!
It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2009
May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words ............
May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!
It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2009
May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words ............
May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!
Calling the "Sunday Horse Race" in the Stars World Record Attempt Tournament
I called, or more correctly reported on, a P5s competition I call the "Sunday Horse Race".
Basically two teams of staked low limit players made a run at the Stars World Record Attempt Tournament with a few last longer bets on the side. It was great fun but challenging keeping track of 11 players in a 35,000 player field. I learned quite a bit watching and reporting rather than playing for once. I rarely post there but it turned out quite nicely and I think I got off on a good foot with the P5 community.
The thread is here: http://www.pocketfives.com/poker-forums/7/Blaze_2F00_Wargawd-Staking-BROKE-Micro_2700_s-3721449?PageIndex=35
Basically two teams of staked low limit players made a run at the Stars World Record Attempt Tournament with a few last longer bets on the side. It was great fun but challenging keeping track of 11 players in a 35,000 player field. I learned quite a bit watching and reporting rather than playing for once. I rarely post there but it turned out quite nicely and I think I got off on a good foot with the P5 community.
The thread is here: http://www.pocketfives.com/poker-forums/7/Blaze_2F00_Wargawd-Staking-BROKE-Micro_2700_s-3721449?PageIndex=35
Monday, December 29, 2008
Those of you from Wisconsin , please note #8.
Idiot Number One of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Three of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Four of 2008
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........
But you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY ALERT!They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...and they VOTE!!!
Idiot Number One of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Three of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Four of 2008
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........
But you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY ALERT!They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...and they VOTE!!!
Fwd: Ford and the Goldberg brothers . . .
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell,Norman, Hiram,and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $2.5 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $2.5 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...
Stick Up at Sahara
And according to the poster the suspect could be sitting at a poker table.
RE: Stick Up at Sahara
While I was away from the web space for a family visit in St. Louis, the guy who robbed the Sahara poker room on the Las Vegas Strip likely spent the holidays hoping no one recognized his mug from the photos released by LV Metro Police.
According to the Las Vegas Sun, he did use a firearm when robbing the Sahara on December 19th and escaped on foot. He was described as follows:
The gunman was described as white and about 20 to 30 years old with a thin mustache and thin build. He was wearing blue jeans, a brown cap, a brown or green hooded sweatshirt with lettering down the left side and a yellow ballcap, authorities said.
Yikes, if Metro has ever been in a poker room, they know that description alone will get them nowhere, as it sounds like two-thirds of players in any given room!
Favre needs MRI, says it will affect future as Jet
I say he is done. He looked hurt and was struggling the last four games.
What do you think?
Favre needs MRI, says it will affect future as Jet
Brett Favre will have an MRI exam Monday on his ailing right shoulder, saying it would affect his decision on whether he'll come back for another season with the New York Jets.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
What do YOU DO all day??
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today??
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the hell I do all day?''
Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'
Priceless - Send this page to another mom.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today??
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the hell I do all day?''
Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'
Priceless - Send this page to another mom.
Fwd: No More Headaches
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that ?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and
jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'
The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'
His funeral service will be held Saturday.
I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that ?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and
jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'
The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'
His funeral service will be held Saturday.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Philosophy of sex
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-
Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at
the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight
are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's
reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara
had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines because, men think, I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
-Robin Williams
things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-
Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at
the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight
are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's
reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara
had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines because, men think, I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
-Robin Williams
WHEN TO START CUSSING!
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 yearold nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
10,000 visits and a new site.
For my 10,000th visitor,While our regional casinos offer poker I won't be focusing there but my niche will be the Charity and Bar League scene with an occassional Home Game report. I have found over the years that this niche of player has much more flavor and character than the Grinder pit at Harrah's Horseshoe (formerly, Caesars Indiana)
Porkrind's Grind will continue but as more of a repository for Pictures, Links and Videos about poker that I find surfing the Internetz.
Friday, December 26, 2008
This is weird
Think of a letter between
A and W.
Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.
Keep going . .
Don't stop ..
Think of an Animal With that letter.
Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down
Think of Either a man's/woman's Name That Begins With the Animals name
Almost
There........
Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.
Take the
Hand you
FIRST counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level
Look at your
Palm Very closely
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand
Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?!
Of course not.....
TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
Yourself in the head, get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
e-mail games!
Don't
Tell the secret
To others,
Just send
Them this e-mail!
A and W.
Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.
Keep going . .
Don't stop ..
Think of an Animal With that letter.
Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down
Think of Either a man's/woman's Name That Begins With the Animals name
Almost
There........
Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.
Take the
Hand you
FIRST counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level
Look at your
Palm Very closely
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand
Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?!
Of course not.....
TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
Yourself in the head, get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
e-mail games!
Don't
Tell the secret
To others,
Just send
Them this e-mail!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Holiday Car Chase and Shoot Out.
On a very serious note. A career criminal robbed a Wendy's Restaraunt, stole a police car, crashed in the Ohio River and made the mistake of pointing a weapon at approximately 40 officers from 2 states. Please keep the families of all involved in your prayers and thoughts this Holiday season.
Police Radio transmission: http://www.lmpd.com/arcade/index.php?action=playgame&gameid=1389
Courier-Journal Article: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20081223/NEWS01/812230390/1008/rss01
Subject: FW: Will you dance with me?
Will You Dance With Me?
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know
it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who
passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.
From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does
the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going
to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I
have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known
yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal
favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have
lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves
when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve
toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room
carpet... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out
of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter,
and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we
awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going
to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure
and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her
enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes,
and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and
skip an elevator for a bungee cord..
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's
just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula
and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car
and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way
home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not
something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had
only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would
you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this
to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to
the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butter fly's erratic
flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through
each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the
reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred
chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it
tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch?
Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the
music before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week.. Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate
all you do.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for... But while we are here we
might as well dance!
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know
it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who
passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.
From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does
the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going
to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I
have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known
yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal
favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have
lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves
when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve
toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room
carpet... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out
of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter,
and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we
awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going
to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure
and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her
enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes,
and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and
skip an elevator for a bungee cord..
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's
just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula
and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car
and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way
home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not
something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had
only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would
you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this
to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to
the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butter fly's erratic
flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through
each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the
reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred
chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it
tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch?
Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the
music before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week.. Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate
all you do.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for... But while we are here we
might as well dance!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wishful Thinking
A man charges into a bank wearing a mask and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a stick-up - everyone get on the floor!!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his mask.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face?"
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner...
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."
He shouts "this is a stick-up - everyone get on the floor!!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his mask.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face?"
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner...
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."
Monday, December 22, 2008
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
PokerStars December 08 Update
The 5th annual PokerStars Caribbean Adventure is set to be bigger than ever in January 2009. For the first time, the tournament will become a "Festival of Poker" with a string of side events, the Battleship of Online Poker, a high roller event, and the World Cup of Poker Final all held in the tropical beauty of the Bahamas.
First Deposit Freerolls
Any player who deposits using the first deposit code FDF1 can enter as many of these freerolls as they like. There are five $500 freerolls per day until December 27. Players who cash in any of these tournaments will win a ticket to one of five $5,000 freeroll finals on December 28.
Guinness World Record Attempt
PokerStars will hold the largest online poker tournament in history. They're aiming for 35,000 players. The tournament will take place on Sunday December 28 at
15:30 ET with a $500k guaranteed prize pool for an $11 entry fee.
Bonus Code 2009
First Deposit Freerolls
Any player who deposits using the first deposit code FDF1 can enter as many of these freerolls as they like. There are five $500 freerolls per day until December 27. Players who cash in any of these tournaments will win a ticket to one of five $5,000 freeroll finals on December 28.
Guinness World Record Attempt
PokerStars will hold the largest online poker tournament in history. They're aiming for 35,000 players. The tournament will take place on Sunday December 28 at
15:30 ET with a $500k guaranteed prize pool for an $11 entry fee.
Bonus Code 2009
"Stars50" will have the same conditions (100% up to $50 bonus, cleared at 10 VPPs per dollar of the bonus).
Qualify for the WSOP at PokerStars.com. Sign up now!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bubba called his attorney and asked.........
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'...and what I want to know is,,,,,kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'...and what I want to know is,,,,,kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Adult Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium , eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium , eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
Fw: Perks Of Aging
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out .
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm .
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge..
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out .
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm .
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge..
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
Veteran
A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his/her life wrote a blank check Made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. (Unknown)
Friday, December 19, 2008
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Marijuana".
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the parking lot yelling, 'Run For Your Lives!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Marijuana".
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the parking lot yelling, 'Run For Your Lives!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
2007 Rams Football Pictures and Videos
To see all 332 game play videos go to: http://www.megavideo.com/u/RGC2005
All of the 2008 video footage will be on youtube April 2009.
Coach Rob
All of the 2008 video footage will be on youtube April 2009.
Coach Rob
Fw: The top 5 hottest celebs
Osama bin Laden is still alive
| After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6. Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help. Within a minute the Mossa d emailed the White House with this reply: 'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.' |
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Subject: Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When
my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.'
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When
my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.'
SMART A** ANSWERS
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters
Airline. The flight Attendant asked John 'Would you like dinner?'
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub.'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any
bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting
for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he
knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas.'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #1 -- A college teacher reminds her
class of tomorrow's final exam 'Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand.'
__________________________________________________________________________
Two bonus extras:
__________________________________________________________________________
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50
Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
__________________________________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....
Airline. The flight Attendant asked John 'Would you like dinner?'
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub.'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any
bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting
for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he
knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas.'
__________________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #1 -- A college teacher reminds her
class of tomorrow's final exam 'Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand.'
__________________________________________________________________________
Two bonus extras:
__________________________________________________________________________
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50
Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
__________________________________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Now you know
Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before!!
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before!!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'
The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'
The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
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